Heinrich Karl Bukowski, a German-born, American poet, novelist and short story writer, once described loneliness in the world as being “so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock.” And T.S. Eliot, “one of the twentieth century’s major poets,” said,

Any decent society must generate a feeling of community. Community offsets loneliness. It gives people a vitally necessary sense of belonging. Yet today the institutions on which community depends are crumbling in all the techno-societies. The result is a spreading plague of loneliness.

How to Cope with Loneliness

A Wiki How.com article titled “How to Deal with Loneliness” describes three methods of coping with loneliness. The first method is to learn how to enjoy solitude. Though a person might think that they are the same, solitude differs from loneliness. Whereas loneliness is when a person is unhappy to be alone, solitude is when a person is happy to be alone. A major part of enjoying solitude involves a person learning to balance the time that he spends helping others and the time that he has for himself. When he spends a majority of his time helping others, he often neglects himself. The article suggests that if a person is experiencing a period of loneliness, he should take advantage of that time and do some of the things that he enjoys doing for himself. Other ways that a person can enjoy solitude include working out and taking care of his body, learning a new skill, and doing something that he has always dreamed of doing, but never seemed to have the time.

The second method is to learn how to comfort oneself. The first step in this method involves a person coming to the realization that he is not alone. Everyone experiences periods of loneliness, especially during major life transitions when things are going in a new direction and changing for the better, and they are looking for people who share their new found interests and ideas. The article also suggests looking for “activities that interest you and that also involve groups of people like book clubs, church groups, political campaigns, concerts and art exhibitions.” [1] And, “don’t attend functions with the sole idea of making friends or meeting people. Try to go with no expectations whatsoever and to enjoy yourself regardless of what happens.” [1] Other ways that a person can learn to comfort himself is by keeping busy and not dwelling on how alone he feels, doing activities by himself and realizing that people do not necessarily assume that he has no friends simply because he is alone (sometimes people do things alone in order to capture some quality “me” time), and considering getting and caring for a pet (winning the trust and affection of an animal can be a deeply rewarding experience).

The third method discussed in the article is learning how to be social again. Sometimes when people are desperately lonely, it becomes easy for them to crawl into their shell and become secluded. The article suggests that one of the ways for a person to start anew in the social areas of his life is by calling or getting together with people that he knows. Even if some of those people are not the people that he has an immediate desire to be with at that moment, human contact makes establishing more contact easier. A key factor to remember is that knowing how to be a good listener is extremely important. If a person talks about himself all of the time, it will tend to turn people away. Also, a person should take the initiative of introducing himself to other people and not wait for other people to approach him. One of the keys to gaining a new circle of friends is by showing a genuine interest in them, and the things that they do. A person should also remember to be courteous and polite, and realize that some of the people whom he desires to be friends with already have their own circle of friends. Spending time with family at this stage can also be important. You can share friends and meet new people together, thus diminishing that awkward feeling of being alone in public.

Correlation between Social Relationships and Mortality

An article in The Wall Street Journal titled “When Being Alone Turns into Loneliness, There Are Ways to Fight Back,” suggests,

Spending time alone is more fun when it is by choice. When it is the result of loss, separation or isolation, people are likely to experience it as loneliness. Homesickness, bullying, empty-nesting, bereavement and unrequited love are all variations on the theme. Loneliness isn’t depression, which is a lasting feeling of deep sadness and hopelessness and should be treated by a professional. [2]

In 2010, researchers at Brigham Young University conducted a study comprised of 148 studies and involving more than 300,000 participants on the correlation between social relationships and mortality. Their research showed that “loneliness was as strong a predictor of early death as was alcoholism or smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and it was a stronger predictor than obesity or a sedentary lifestyle.” [2] John T. Cacioppo, who studies loneliness, and is a psychologist and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, stated that the rate of loneliness in the United States has doubled in the past 30 years. He estimates, “some 40% of Americans report being lonely, up from 20% in the 1980s.” [2]

Why does there appear to be more loneliness now than ever before? The Wall Street Journal articles suggests,

Many of us spend way too much time behind electronic screens and not nearly enough on our real, in-person connections.

You don’t have to be alone to be lonely, as anyone who has suffered through a bad relationship or an awkward holiday gathering can attest. “Loneliness is the feeling of social isolation or dissatisfaction with your relationships,” Dr. Cacioppo says. “It’s not just about whether there are others around you. It’s about whether the ones around you are those you can trust.” Some people are genetically more prone to loneliness than others, he says. [2]

Dr. Cacioppo also points out that when it comes to social relationships and interaction, women differ from men in that women desire face-to-face interactions, whereas as men tend to gravitate towards and connect with groups of people.

Therapists say loneliness, in its most unhealthy form, is a distorted way of thinking that often has an emotional trigger—whether it is a big change like a breakup or a geographic move, or something as simple as attending a wedding alone or bickering with a sibling.

The result is the same. Our subconscious rewinds back to when we were young and worried someone else wasn’t going to be there to take care of us. It is the negative thought “I don’t matter.” [2]

Remedies for Loneliness

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (inadvertently referred to as the “Mormon” Church by the media and others) realize that there are those among them who are alone and experience periods of feeling lonely. They also know and teach that some of the common ways of overcoming a feeling of loneliness are to render service to others, become actively involved in Church activities, and maintain associations with family and friends.

LeEtta Pratt of Richmond, Virginia, says, “I spend little time with the word lonely. The world is so full of wonderful people and meaningful things to do.

“Service in the Church has everything to do with preventing loneliness,” she continues. “The world is so full of needy people; there are physical, emotional, social, and spiritual needs. With the gospel, we have so much to contribute.”

And from San Jose, Costa Rica, Ines Solan writes that serving another person not only gives her joy, but “fills some emptiness” inside of her. [3]

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ are also Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers, watching over families in the congregation,  which affords them another opportunity to serve others. Often they discover that when they are busy serving others, they are able to avoid their own feelings of loneliness.

Many singles are blessed through the companionship of family members. But for those who do not have the companionship of immediate family members, extended family can provide family fellowship.

Loneliness can also be alleviated by reaching out to others. “Other people can be lonesome, too,” observes Roger Cook of Malvern, Australia. “A single person who fellowships someone else, whether single or not, is twice blessed.” [3]

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ understand that the key to avoiding loneliness and being happy is a gospel-centered attitude.

In the April 2011 General Conference, Paul V. Johnson answered the question, “Why is life so hard?” He taught that trials often come to us because Jesus loves us. It might not seem, at first glance to be much of a gift, but when we understand why we came to earth, the reasoning behind this becomes clear.

Mormon beliefs teach that God created our spirits. As spirits—meaning we had no body—we lived with God, getting to know Him and becoming the people we are today. Eventually, of course, every child needs to leave home and so God prepared the earth for us. When we came to earth we would take with us our own personalities but we would forget who we had been and where we had come from. We’d gain bodies and families. Many of us would have opportunities to rediscover God and Jesus Christ and even those who did not would have with them the Light of Christ, which everyone always has. We’d have trials which would serve as a test to see if we could handle them properly.

But trials are not just a test. They are also a gift. When we face trials, we often discover something about ourselves we didn’t know was there. When we handle them badly we learn our weaknesses and can choose to overcome the challenges. When we handle them well, we can grow to be more than we ever imagined we can be. Trials help us become everything God knows we can be.

Elder Johnson’s talk was given in the Sunday morning session of Conference, It was called, “More Than Conquerors through Him That Loved Us.” The title comes from the Biblical apostle Paul in Romans, chapter 8:

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Elder Johnson reminded listeners that no one is exempt from trials. Money can’t prevent them. Obedience to the commandments can’t prevent them. Trials are an essential part of life—even Jesus faced trials and temptations. The trials He faced were an essential part of His own mortal experience and they are also an essential part of our own.

At times it may seem that our trials are focused on areas of our lives and parts of our souls with which we seem least able to cope. Since personal growth is an intended outcome of these challenges, it should come as no surprise that the trials can be very personal—almost laser guided to our particular needs or weaknesses.

There are times when we are tempted to tell God we are more than willing to take on our share of trials—just not that particular trial that looms ahead. We think we can’t handle that trial. However, if the trial comes, it is proof to us that God knows we can handle it after all. More importantly, it means there is something He wants us to learn by experiencing it. We learn the most when we are pushed far outside our comfort zones. Trials are painful, but seen from an eternal perspective, they are worth it.

In the Book of Numbers, in the Old Testament, Moses is struggling with his group of whiny Israelites. They were worried about having nothing to eat, so God began providing them with manna. Soon, however, the novelty of the manna wore off and they began to whine for meat, vegetables, and other foods from their past. Moses came pretty close to the breaking point. He even complained to God, asking why he had to deal with these people—they were, after all, God’s children, not his. He suggested, in a clear measure of his frustration, God just kill him. Death seemed preferable to coping with this trial, which he insisted was beyond his ability to bear. Instead, God offered him some help and made him carry on. Over time, Moses became a strengthened leader, better able to handle the trial he faced.

Our trials are personalized to our specific needs. The reason some people have seemingly harder lives than others is often because of the specific lessons that person might need to learn. God knows exactly which trials we need. The person with seemingly easy trials might actually face greater danger than the person with clearly challenging trials. It is often said, for instance, that most people feel certain they would be willing to die for their faith, but that the truth is we are more often called on to live for it. While dying for our faith might seem to be harder and more grievous, in truth living the small, day-to-day challenges to our faith might prove to be far harder. Many of us measure up surprisingly well to the severe trials, but fumble on the smaller ones, some of which don’t really look like trials, and so catch us off-base.

For those who are frustrated over a deep trial, Elder Johnson consoles:

A pattern in the scriptures and in life shows that many times the darkest, most dangerous tests immediately precede remarkable events and tremendous growth. “After much tribulation come the blessings.”  The children of Israel were trapped against the Red Sea before it was parted.  Nephi faced danger, anger from his brothers, and multiple failures before he was able to procure the brass plates.  Joseph Smith was overcome by an evil power so strong that it seemed he was doomed to utter destruction. When he was almost ready to sink into despair, he exerted himself to call upon God, and at that very moment he was visited by the Father and the Son. Often investigators face opposition and tribulation as they near baptism. Mothers know that the challenges of labor precede the miracle of birth. Time after time we see marvelous blessings on the heels of great trials.

Remembering this can help us endure our trials. We can know that if we face our trial with courage, look for the lessons to be learned and the skills to be gained, when it ends we will receive the reward of our efforts. We will be stronger, have increased faith and trust in God, and will be better prepared for the next trial.

Our Heavenly Father loves us, and we “know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.” Someday when we get to the other side of the veil, we want more than for someone just to tell us, “Well, you’re done.” Instead, we want the Lord to say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

Watch the entire talk in speech and sign language:

The Mormons teach people to be self-reliant as much as possible. This means they need to prepare ahead for difficult times. One way to do this is to build a supply of food, cleaners, health care products, clothing, and even cash to rely on should they need it.

Typically, these items are relied on during times of unemployment. As people have learned recently, no one is immune from unemployment, regardless of education, experience, or reputation. Finding a new job can require a substantial amount of time. Those who do not need to shop, or who perhaps shop only for perishables, get through this time with little disruption to their lives and with the comfort of knowing they have sufficient food and supplies.

Mormons are counseled to avoid going into debt to obtain these supplies, since debt for any reason but home ownership and possibly college is discouraged. Instead, they begin slowly. Families are encouraged to give up a luxury, such as a vacation or cable television until the money that would have been used for the luxury has supplied the storage. Others purchase several extra items each week, working to have a one week supply. When they have this, they begin on getting ahead a second week. In the very poorest country, women are taught that when they make their daily rice and beans, they should drop a spoonful of each into a jar. When the jar is filled, it’s sealed and becomes the first item in their food storage. Since rice and beans keep an extremely long time, this provides long-term security in the form of a food the women are accustomed to serving daily.

However small the start, Mormons know that even a little food put away can make a difference. Just knowing it’s there can provide a feeling of security when those around us are frightened. We know that whatever else happens, we won’t go hungry.

The Mormons have created a website that teaches its members how to create a food and commodity supply. It includes charts that show how much of the staples a family will need. This site is very popular even with those who are not LDS.

Provident Living will show you first how to build and store the items you need to sustain life, and then how to add additional items to make survival more pleasant. Mormons you know will also be happy to help you get started on this rewarding process.

Your supply of food does not sit in the basement getting old. Mormons rotate their storage, meaning they “shop” from their food storage. New purchases go to into the storage, to be used oldest items first. One advantage of this system is that it eventually cuts shopping costs. Those who have storage can purchase on sale, in season, and in bulk, thus obtaining the best possible prices for their supplies. When a shortage causes prices to soar temporarily, Mormons can use their storage until the shortage is over, both saving money, and reserving those items for those who did not stock up in advance.

Find out what the mainstream media is saying about the no-longer odd Mormon tradition of food storage. Then sit down and start a plan for your own storage. It’s no longer just a “Mormon thing.”

I believe this is a very profound question that has undoubtedly been asked by millions of people from the beginning of time. Life can seem unfair at times as we experience our own personal suffering, and witness through our own eyes or through the media, the incredible suffering that seems to be such an integral part of the daily lives of people all over the world.

I had to come to grips with this question on a personal level when 19 years ago I broke my neck, severed my spinal cord, and became paralyzed from the neck down and ventilator dependent.

Approximately 6 years ago I had an experience with my son-in-law that I believe will shed some light on this fundamental question about life.

One morning I received a phone call from my son-in-law, Matt. He was enrolled in the MBA program at UC Irvine which is about 20 minutes from our home. The Dean of the MBA program had just announced to all the students that were there that day that one of their classmates by the name of Michael Johnson, had drowned in a swimming accident in Northern California the day before. Michael was one of the brightest students and leaders in the MBA class. He was very charismatic and his future as a leader in the business world appeared to be limitless. His fellow classmates, including my son-in-law, were just stunned when they received the news regarding Michael. After conferring with the Dean and several classmates Matt volunteered me to come to UC Irvine to speak to the 50 or 60 students who were there that day for just a few minutes.

Matt came home, loaded me into my modified van, and drove me up to the campus. As we went into the room where the students were gathered together you could just feel the spirit of sorrow, and I could sense that many were asking themselves, “Why did something like this happen to such a good, wonderful, person like Michael Johnson? Couldn’t God have prevented it from happening?”

As I looked at these students it was impressed upon me very strongly to share with them the conversation I had with Dennis Praeger almost 15 years ago when I appeared on his talk radio show in Los Angeles. Toward the end of the hour he said “Jack, what brings you the most peace and comfort — to believe that God brought the wave that broke your neck or to believe that it was just an accident?” I, in essence, told him that I had spent very little time asking myself why the accident took place. The only thing I knew for sure was that there was a loving and kind God that would help us get through anything life would bring our way if we had sufficient faith and trust in Him.

I told the students that afternoon that each one of us has our agency and that we are not puppets of deity. We live our lives exercising our agency as we choose to do so, but there is also at play natural law. Oftentimes in exercising our agency we hit natural law head on and then experience the consequences for our actions. When I went body surfing at Laguna Beach that beautiful August day, it was something I chose to do. I firmly believe that a loving God could have protected me but he doesn’t interfere with our agency and natural law. In my own mind the “Why” question is absolutely the worst question we can ever ask ourselves when something like this happens. God could prevent every disaster or catastrophe from happening, but he doesn’t, because of his love for us and his understanding of the importance of agency.

And so things happen in life like swimming accidents, cancer, tsunamis, earthquakes, murder, abuse, and etc. — the list is endless. God doesn’t cause these things to happen and he could certainly prevent them, but in doing so we would lose the priceless gift of agency.

Mortality brings to us a variety of experiences — some wonderful and some not so wonderful. However, through all of the experiences we have we gain knowledge, and a wise and loving God, the Father of us all, will never rob us of the priceless gift of agency. The students seemed to respond to this line of reasoning.

Life is so very precious and yet it can be taken in an instant. I am very impressed that in most countries in the world there is such a desire to preserve life. You see it every day reported in newspapers and on TV where hundreds and thousands will seek to recover a lost or kidnapped child for example. If someone is injured in a car accident or stranded on a cliff and etc. many caring people are willing to risk their lives to save the life of another. Medical science can do so much to preserve and improve the quality of human life. I believe this is pleasing to God and hopefully through an extended life we can fulfill the measure of our creation and be prepared to take the next step forward in our eternal progression.

There is no price we can put on mortal life. What a gift a loving and kind Heavenly Father has given to each one of us. Each day is precious and priceless!

We also do not see what happens after people pass through this portal of life. It is not an end but a continuation of life and service. We don’t know how one’s ministering from the other side of the veil, or beyond this life, will impact their earthly friends and families as well as those they meet in their spiritual resting place. A benevolent and perfect God has factored all of that in, and has seen to every need of every individual. He hasn’t let something slip by him, or work to a unused end. There is no waste and no incidental event that won’t turn to someone’s glory. Our not seeing those results should not cause us to waiver in knowing that God is in control, and that death and suffering are not in vain, but will work towards God’s perfect loving design for each of us–while granting us our agency on the way.

The lights aren’t always green. The bread isn’t always fresh. Tires go flat. Bills mound. People take ill and die at every stage of life. People struggle. Others starve. Wars go on.

Grief is part of the human experience. Opposition is necessary for growth, according to the Mormon view of our mortal experience, revealed by the Lord through modern prophets. It can, however, be lifted through the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Mormons believe that the Savior not only died to pay for our sins but also to take upon Himself our sorrow, grief, and infirmities (Alma 7:11-12).

Patricia Pinegar, former President of the Primary, or children’s organization of the Mormon Church, speaks of her own encounter with grief and the Savior’s intercession:

The difficult experience of my son’s death helped me identify and rejoice in the blessings of peace, hope, and direction-blessings that all who truly accept and live the gospel of Jesus Christ may enjoy. I can bear witness to the words of Elder Richard G. Scott: “Please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it, you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1995, 20; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 17). (“Peace, Hope and Direction,” Ensign, Nov. 1999).

The Savior Himself was a man of sorrow and grief, yet He must have had the supreme joy of knowing He was in tune with His Father and solace in that unique relationship with Him. We, too, can find that peace and assurance that we are not abandoned when death of a loved one strikes or when someone’s agency tragically colludes with the plans for our own life.

Elder Bateman, a contemporary Mormon leader, speaks as well to the healing balm that can come when we ask the Lord for that special soul salve that only He can truly provide:

Death teaches that we do not experience a fulness of joy in mortality and that everlasting joy can be achieved only with the assistance of the Master (see D&C 93:33-34). Just as the lame man at the pool of Bethesda needed someone stronger than himself to be healed (see John 5:1-9), so we are dependent on the miracles of Christ’s atonement if our souls are to be made whole from grief, sorrow, and sin…. Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow.

Grief isn’t always caused by death or sickness. There are as many life burdens as there are blessings. Of the lesser-visible crosses, modern apostle, Marvin J. Ashton remarks:

One type of cross is that of violated trust by a parent, a family member, a teacher, a bishop, a member of the stake presidency, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a co-worker, or a classmate.

Another cross that isn’t always visible but that on occasion can be very heavy and worrisome is the lack of self-respect-a feeling of unwillingness to accept oneself. Can you find it in your heart to once in a while compliment yourself on your behavior? Or do you think poorly of yourself no matter what you do? Having feelings like these can be a heavy cross to bear. Such a cross may slow down your eternal progression. (“Carry Your Cross,” Liahona, Sep. 1988.)

My own crosses have taught me, more than anything, about who Jesus Christ really is and who I really am. I’ve felt deeply His knowledge of me exceeding my own, and His awareness and recognition of my every need. I’ve seen Him anticipate circumstances and prepare me; walk with me, converse with me in ways that registered completely and undeniably, and I learned that I want more than anything His closeness forever. Regardless of their source, there is solace to be found through drawing near to the Lord, who descended below all of the things we endure, so He could lift us up out of them. I testify that His power is real, that His knowledge of our struggles is intimate, and that His ability to help us is unparalleled. If you would like to know more about how to access His power, please visit www.mormon.org or chat with the missionaries.

– Show quoted text –

Mormons (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Savior’s re-established Church in our day) believe that God is all-powerful and has every capacity to intervene in our lives. He gives us, and accounts for, however, the agency of man, a gift which is above price. As a result, while He can and does intervene consistently in our lives under many circumstances, He sometimes allows us to undergo the results of our own choices, others’ choices, or natural occurrences. He feels with us as we struggle and promises to work all of experiences for our ultimate good. The Savior Himself has personally endured each of our pain, illnesses, and suffering and knows how to succor us in those infirmities. His perfect plan for our growth includes learning from opposition–sickness, well-being; right and wrong; light and darkness. It is through grappling with the vicissitudes of life, relying on the atonement of Jesus Christ, that we are able to grow spiritually and reach our divine potential.

Personal Response on Question of Suffering by James Faulconer

Confronted with the problem of suffering, it is as tempting for Mormons to wax philosophical as it is for anyone else. The question makes our otherwise quiet philosophical engines rev, anxious to decide which of the three legs of the traditional problem to knock down, or to find a way to reconcile them with the existence of suffering. Is it that God is not really all powerful—or perhaps that we misunderstand what “all-powerful” means? Is it that he is not all-loving or, that perhaps we do not fully understand his love and what it entails? Is it that he is both all-powerful and all-loving,

but does not know how to stop or at least lessen our pain? The existence of suffering seems to demand that we deny at least one of God’s attributes.

Of course no believer of any stripe, Mormon or otherwise, can do that. We assert that God has whatever power there is, that he loves us with whatever love is possible, and that he knows all that can be known: he is omnipotent, omnibenevolent, and omniscient. In what would we have faith if it were not in such a being? But there seems to be a fundamental philosophical incompatibility between the assertion of these three attributes and the existence of suffering.

So what is the answer? To stop doing philosophy on this issue. The problem is in the approach: Since philosophy cannot solve the puzzle, we ought not to continue to deal with it philosophically.

Why Suffer: Test of Integrity, Trial of Faith, Agency of Others

Job did not understand his suffering, but his lack of understanding wasn’t an intellectual puzzle. It was a test of his integrity. Faced with the death of his family and his own suffering, he said of God, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15). In the Book of Mormon, a second scriptural witness of Jesus Christ, King Benjamin admonishes us, “Believe in God; [. . .] believe that he has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend,” and reminding us of what that implies, he says, “I would that ye should always remember, and retain in remembrance, the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness” (Mosiah 4:9, 11).

Not all problems are amenable to philosophical solutions. Giving up on philosophy’s ability to solve this problem, however, is a small loss if any at all, for ultimately suffering is not a philosophical problem. With Benjamin and Job we recognize that there are things we cannot explain rationally, philosophical puzzles we cannot answer. But suffering is a real problem rather than a mental puzzle. It is a problem of our lives and the lives of others, a problem that requires our action rather than merely our thought. It needs our faithful, trusting, and thoughtful action, and we must trust in God’s power, knowledge, and love in order to act with confidence.

In the face of suffering—our own or someone else’s—the question is not, “How is this possible?” but “What can I do?” Acting to end or alleviate suffering is the most rational response to it—more rational than any possible philosophical resolution—for such acts imitate the sacrifice of God himself, who suffered to save us from our suffering.

Additional Resources:

Paul Ricoeur, “Evil, A Challenge to Philosophy and Theology,” Figuring the Sacred: Religion, Narrative and Imagination (Minneapolis: Fortress, 1995) 249-61.

James E. Faulconer, “Rethinking Theology: The Shadow of the Apocalypse,” FARMS Review 19:1 (2007), 175-99. Available on-line: http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/?table=review&amp%3bid=641

Personal Response by Karen Trifiletti

Mormon Beliefs: Why is there pain and suffering in the world?

Tasting God’s love in our lives includes rather than excludes times and situations of pain and complexity and hurt and grief and indecision and disappointment and depression. While some of us see His hand in some parts of our lives, we may tend to want to bracket the rest, apologizing or losing joy permanently over what seems an anomaly to the plan or an inexplicable disappointment.

Pain is a difficult thing to see and understand, unless we have the bigger picture. If we don’t, this is where many of us bow out of God’s presence and think He has bowed out of ours, where we duck from our testimonies fearful they will let us down.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ: Not an Exemption from Pain

And, too, it’s easy to expect pain-free lives as followers of Jesus Christ, but as one member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latte-day Saints (Mormon)  stated, “The gospel is not an exemption from pain; it is a resource in the time of pain.” I testify that God’s handwriting is always evident, even if we cannot make out His complete message to us at the time. I testify that He is in the labyrinth of our lives as well as in the straightforward moments, or God would cease to be God.

I remember when my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I’d like to share a portion of that story with you, in the hope that you may feel that God is aware of every second of your deepest sorrow or physical trial.

When I arrived at the Fox Chase Cancer Center, I ached for my mother. She was in great pain before the medical staff got the morphine drip going with a heavy enough dose to keep her comfortable. This was more than reminiscent of her 25-day stay in the hospital twenty years earlier with biliary obstruction and life-threatening surgical complications.

I was tracking Mom’s oxycodone by the hour and seeking to increase it, according to physician instructions–and hospital-protocol fliers posted in every other hallway–for Mom to be close to pain-free. But the lag time between increased doses created a valley of despair for her.

I recall the first night I asked to stay overnight and wasn’t granted permission. I later learned that she had writhed in agony between doses from 10-11:30 p.m. Finally, after a morning confab with the head of the pain management team, we got her meds and pain mostly managed. Morphine ran intravenously on a basal dose, and for extra bouts of pain, Mom was free to push the button for an extra, limited dose or bolus.

I remember several instances where Mom’s groaning was almost more than I could bear. I prayed that she would not have one more second of pain than necessary for her exaltation and purification. And then I asked the Lord straightforwardly, in a sort of spiritual gust: “How much pain is enough? How does thou know that this specific amount or that is precisely the right amount? How dost thou quantify or qualify pain? I trust Thee, but please help me have increased understanding.”

My answer to this more increased understanding of pain came in waves of recollection. The first remembrance came in the form of a familiar story. Whether the version is real or fictional doesn’t really matter. What matters is what the Spirit said to me as I pondered it. It’s the story known as “The Refiner’s Fire.”

Some time ago, a few ladies met to read the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse, ‘And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of sliver.”

One lady’s opinion was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a silversmith and report to her friends what he said on the subject.

She went accordingly, and without telling the objective of her errand, begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her. ‘But Sir, she said, ‘Do you sit while the work of refining is going on?’

‘Oh, yes madam,’ replied the silversmith; ‘I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.’

As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and said that he had one more thing further to mention–that the silversmith only knows when the process of purifying is complete, by seeing his own image reflected in the silver.

As this story re-entered my soul, I knew that every second of Mom’s pain–and, by extension, each of ours–was counted. I just received the answer to one of the two questions I posed, a sure witness that pain is quantified. And while I still didn’t know how, that didn’t seem to matter. The Holy Ghost bore record, that God the Father and the Savior know to the second, what is apportioned and appropriate and sufficient for the refinement we require.

Notice how the second question, “How dost thou qualify pain? Through this same account, the Spirit etched into my soul a knowledge that pain was also qualified by the Refiner. He would see our image when the work was complete. He wouldn’t just know how many seconds to keep us in the heat; He also knew precisely the intended, specific quality of the final product.

God was in control of the quantity and quality of pain in this trial. There was no margin for error. What a clear response to a child’s question in time of adversity. God’s hand had certainly not disappeared nor had it been idle.

The second wave of recall came in the form of a poem I’d read once by an unknown author:

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
‘I will not have you with me any more.’
I stomped my foot and said, ‘Be on your way,’ and paused there, startled at the look he wore.
‘I, who have been your friend,’ he said to me,
‘I, who have been your teacher–all you know
Of understanding, love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that He was wise.
He left a heart grown tender in my breast.
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes. I dried my tears, and lifted up a song–
Even for one who’d tortured me so long.
(Tragedy or Destiny, Spencer. W. Kimball, Deseret Book: 1996, p. 4.)

I found strength in this affidavit for pain from someone who knew it first-hand.

The third wave struck. It was the following quote that came to me in part, but which I now share in full:

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God (Orson F. Whitney, ibid).

In fact, whenever I asked, whenever I needed the bigger picture reinforced, I received an answer. Just as Mom was receiving an additional dose of morphine as needed, at the press of a button, I, too, received spiritual boluses and intravenous injections of faith p.r.n.

Pruned, Pressed, & Purified

I’ve come to understand a little more of what it means that each of our hearts will need to be pruned, pressed, and purified, much like the olive tree and olive oil that symbolize the process, the Purifier, and the product of a pure heart.

I’ve thought about this connection, between the oil, the press, and our own presses, and share my thought-journey.

The Oil: Liquid Gold

Homer called it “liquid gold.” Athletes used to smear it all over their bodies. It was used to anoint, to cook, as a source of light and therapeutic ointment for centuries. It was infused with flowers and grasses to produce both medicine and cosmetics. This liquid gold is commonly known as olive oil.

I grew up with it, doused on tomatoes and parmegiana, in authentic Italian “gravy” (you call it “sauce!”), combined with vinegar on salads, glittering in the bottom of a bowl waiting to be soaked up by crusty Italian bread. It was the indispensable oil of my Mediterranean forebears, the salutary ingredient in native cuisine and the same base for ordinations of rulers.

I was intrigued with its healthful properties earlier in my life, but am more-so now, having been anointed, initiated, blessed, and healed as this oil has been placed upon my head–consecrated by rightful administrators of the priesthood of God. I have felt its purifying influence and have come to appreciate its significance.

The Olive Press

Olive pressing is an incredible process and immediate metaphor. Before olives are pressed, they are carefully weighed and poured through a mesh screen to separate out their leaves. They must be harvested at just the right moment and taken to the press immediately so they don’t deteriorate.

After they’re washed and rinsed, they are sent to the crusher. I have seen photos of 3500-pound granite wheels used to crush olives. They are mammoth. The olives are laid out in a large steel container as the huge stone wheels relentlessly rumble in continuous circular movement over them, crushing them into paste. They are pressed into paste first, to help release the globules of oil. And then they are churned causing the oil to bead up for extraction. All of this, as you can imagine, is a labor-intensive and ingenious work.

Gethsemane: Garden of the Olive Press

The finest olive oil producers–just as the greatest Harvester of Souls–know the olive, the precise moment of harvest, the time to crush, the way to carry them to the press (they can be damaged even by their own weight), the best method of releasing the purest oil–creating an extra-virgin product.

As we feel the press on our hearts, then, we can know the Lord of the Vineyard is the one extracting godhood from us, and that He, too, went through the press–the combined press each of us will pass through, in a way we can barely begin to grasp.

That makes me reflect on this description of the link between the olive press and the Savior’s atoning sacrifice:

The Savior was, spiritually speaking, trodden upon, trampled, crushed until the very tissues of the heart [cried] out for relief and release and until “mercy [had] compassion on mercy and claimed her own (D&C 88:40), that he may know, according to the flesh, how to succor his people. (The Olive Press: A Symbol of Christ, FARMS, pgs 5, 7).

It borders on inexpressible that the Savior was innocently pressed beyond anything we could ever bear, and that He now is our advocate in our heart-presses, allowing the nectar of our potential to produce in us.

So, the crushed oil is virgin.

The silver refined by the Refiner is perfect when finished.

Pain, too, will work towards our eternal lives. We’re here, now to experience all that comes with a body, to refine our spirits in the turbulence and triumphs of this mortal sphere. And we’re promised it will be worth it, if we endure faithfully.